I’ve had a recurring dream since before the situation became a (misleading) political ad: I’m home alone and someone is breaking in meaning to kill me. I call 911, and the line rings and rings… sometimes I get an answer and am told help is on the way but half an hour goes by, I’m running out of places to hide, and nobody has shown up.
In real life I found out recently that my dad has reached out to a mutual relative that had also cut contact with him. He apologized for hurting them and asked for forgiveness. This was apparently several weeks ago now, yet I’ve not gotten such a phone call.
I’ve also not heard from my birth family, despite my birth sister asking for my number two weeks ago. I found out she friended our other adopted half-sister on Facebook, but has ignored my friend request.
I’m shouting into the void over here. What makes me the “red headed step child?” I’m happy for the people who’ve gotten the phone calls I haven’t, don’t get me wrong. But where’s mine? How long do I have to fight the murderer on my own before someone helps me?
Bessel van der Kolk says in The Body Keeps The Score that feeling helpless in a bad situation is what leads to PTSD. If you can do something, anything, to protect or fight for yourself then you’re much less likely to have the lasting effects. This feeling of being pushed aside and ignored is devastating. And there’s not much to be done about it. My anxiety and depression are running rampant and I no longer have alcohol or Xanax to numb them.
All I can do for now is talk about it. So I’m sharing it here, with you. And just typing it up does feel a little better. There’s someone on the other end of the void after all.
How about you? What makes you feel unheard and unwanted? Share it here in the comments (you don’t have to use your real name) and I will hear you, along with everyone who reads this in the future. Let’s be witnesses together of each other’s pain.